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Commonplace Lavatory Laughs

Restroom comedy has long been the comfort zone for daily publications, and writers stay alert of notable bog-related stories and historic moments, particularly within football. Readers were entertained to find out that a prominent writer a famous broadcaster possesses a urinal decorated with West Brom motifs within his residence. Consider the situation for the Barnsley fan who took the rest room somewhat too seriously, and needed rescuing from an empty Oakwell stadium post-napping in the lavatory midway through a 2015 losing match versus the Cod Army. “He was barefoot and had lost his mobile phone and his headwear,” explained a representative from Barnsley fire services. And who can forget during his peak popularity with Manchester City, Mario Balotelli popped into a local college to use the facilities during 2012. “Balotelli parked his Bentley outside, then came in and was asking the location of the toilets, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a student told local Manchester media. “Subsequently he wandered round the campus as if he owned it.”

The Lavatory Departure

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century since Kevin Keegan stepped down as England manager following a short conversation within a restroom stall with FA director David Davies deep within Wembley Stadium, after the notorious 1-0 loss versus Germany during 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the legendary venue. According to Davies' personal account, his private Football Association notes, he had entered the sodden struggling national team changing area right after the game, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams motivated, both players begging for the suit to bring Keegan to his senses. Subsequent to Hamann's direct free-kick, Keegan had trudged down the tunnel with a distant gaze, and Davies located him seated – just as he was at Anfield in 1996 – in the corner of the dressing room, whispering: “I’m off. I’m not for this.” Collaring Keegan, Davies tried desperately to salvage the situation.

“Where could we possibly locate for a private conversation?” remembered Davies. “The passageway? Swarming with media. The dressing room? Heaving with emotional players. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with the team manager as squad members entered the baths. Only one option presented itself. The restroom stalls. A significant event in English football's extensive history happened in the old toilets of a stadium facing demolition. The impending destruction could almost be smelled in the air. Dragging Kevin into a cubicle, I secured the door behind us. We stayed there, eye to eye. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I can’t motivate the players. I can't extract the additional effort from these athletes that's required.’”

The Results

Consequently, Keegan quit, subsequently confessing he considered his tenure as national coach “without spirit”. The two-time European Footballer of the Year stated: “I had difficulty passing the hours. I ended up coaching the blind squad, the deaf team, working with the ladies team. It's a tremendously tough role.” English football has come a long way over the past twenty-five years. Whether for good or bad, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers are no longer present, while a German now sits in the technical area Keegan previously used. The German's squad is viewed as one of the contenders for the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This particular anniversary from one of the Three Lions’ darkest days serves as a recall that situations weren't always this good.

Real-Time Coverage

Join Luke McLaughlin at 8pm BST for Women’s Bigger Cup updates concerning Arsenal's match against Lyon.

Quote of the Day

“We stood there in a lengthy line, wearing only our undergarments. We were the continent's finest referees, top sportspeople, examples, mature people, mothers and fathers, resilient characters with high morals … yet nobody spoke. We barely looked at each other, our eyes shifted somewhat anxiously while we were called forward two by two. There Collina examined us thoroughly with a chilly look. Mute and attentive” – former international referee Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes match officials were formerly exposed to by previous European football refereeing head Pierluigi Collina.

Daily Football Correspondence

“What does a name matter? A Dr Seuss verse exists called ‘Too Many Daves’. Have Blackpool suffered from Too Many Steves? Steve Bruce, together with staff Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been dismissed through the exit. Is this the termination of the Steve fascination? Not exactly! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie stay to oversee the primary team. Full Steve ahead!” – John Myles

“Since you've opened the budget and awarded some merch, I have decided to put finger to keypad and offer a concise remark. Postecoglou mentions he initiated altercations on the school grounds with children he expected would overpower him. This masochistic tendency must account for his choice to sign with Nottingham Forest. Being a longtime Tottenham fan I'll continue appreciating the subsequent season award however the sole second-year prize I envision him securing by the Trent, if he lasts that long, is the second division and that would be quite a challenge {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|